When Blackmail Goes Wrong!
by Kang Xiu
Summary: Suboshi gets Amiboshi to dress in drag, mainly for blackmail purposes, but his plan gets sort of warped as the twin-turned-crossdresser finds the Suzaku seven bestowing their affections on him. Meanwhile, Suboshi tries to make it with his beloved Miko.
1. Watch Suzaku no Baka Die! While it Lasts...

Lalalala. I don't own the twins. But I wish for Ami, I wish for Ami. Yes, aoi hoshi! Okay, that's enough  
  
Amiboshi stood in front of a mirror. He slipped into the long silk kimono and tied it carefully with a silver obi. The kimono was very pretty, jade green decorated with silver dragons, but he wasn't particularly pleased with it. He began to do his hair into little buns, tied with more silver ribbon, and a little trail of hair coming from each carefully twisted roll. Sighing, he used his nail to apply lipstick and eye-shadow, then checked his appearance in the mirror.  
Blast.  
He was a little flat-chested to pass off as a girl, but maybe for one so young...   
He glared at his reflection, putting his flute into one of the wide sleeves. Then, stopping to grab a pair of outside slippers, he headed for the palace of Konan. His thoughts were these:  
//Shun-chan, I am going to KILL you//  
  
Meanwhile, his twin was in Makan, in Sairou. Suboshi had somehow managed to rewind time to when Miaka was burning up with fever, and stood over her bed, grinning maliciously. He set up a little booth outside her room and started yelling, "Step right up! Step right up!! Only 11 yen to watch the Suzaku no Baka die!! While it lasts!! Hurry, folks, you don't wanna miss this!!"  
Soi and Nakago strolled over, arm in arm.  
"Only 11 yen? To watch the Suzaku no Miko die?" Nakago pulled out a little purse, and put 22 yen down on Suboshi's counter. The yo-yo boy gave him a look and said,   
"For you it'll cost 5 yen extra."  
"What?! Why?"  
"I hate your guts."  
"Oh." Nakago sighed and put an extra five yen down.  
//Wow// Suboshi thought, //he's generally not that easy. Must be Soi's influence//  
Nakago and Soi entered the room.   
Yui walked over.  
"What're you doing, Suboshi?"  
"Y-Yui-sama! I'm, uh,"  
"You look like a street vender selling pies or something," Yui laughed.  
Suboshi started to blush, considering Yui was actually talking friendlily to him. "Y-Yui-sama," he sighed besottedly.  
Nuriko rushed over from Wanted: Fans, yelled "QUIT BLUSHING!" and then disappeared. Suboshi looked quite shaken.  
"Suboshi...what was THAT?"  
"Iunno, Yui-sama. Whatever it was, I'll protect you from it!"  
"Um...Suboshi..." Yui sweatdropped.  
"Well, Yui-sama, it was nice to see you!"  
"I'd better be going about now. See you later!"  
Suboshi, now being alone, he began to think over what he had made his older twin do.   
  
*FLASHBACK*  
  
"Aniki, everyone is always saying you're in love with Mitsukake!"  
"WHAT? Look, we're just friends. Nothing more."  
"Well, then, I dare you to dress up as a girl and try to get him to have a crush on you."  
"N-NANI???????"  
"Yeah. See, if you hate every second of it, won't that prove you don't love him? Then the yaoi people won't be able to write you together anymore!"  
"Somehow I get this feeling that you're only doing this so you can set me up for blackmail."  
"Would I do that?"  
"Yes."  
"Just come on! Do it, and I won't bother you anymore. And I won't show anyone else the videos."  
"WHAT?!?!"  
"Kiiiiding."  
  
*END FLASHBACK*  
  
Suboshi grinned. Yup, he was really going to have blackmail with this. He had bribed one of the people in the palace to film it all, using a video recorder he'd gotten out of the same plothole he'd gotten this booth from.  
  
Amiboshi approached the palace, totally unsuspecting of the evil trick he was part of.  
However, it had been a while since he'd been in Konan, and he didn't really know his way around Hotohori's large palace. He wandered around until he bumped into someone. Specifically, the emperor himself.  
"Konninichiwa, Miss."  
"Konninichiwa, Heika!"  
"How did you know we were the emperor?"  
"I've heard the emperor is the most beautiful man in the world, and you're so beautiful, I knew you must be he."  
Hotohori smiled, very pleased. "You're a very wise child. Now, where are you going?"  
"Please, Heika, I'm looking for the Suzaku no Shichiseishi Mitsukake. But I can't find my way around this wonderful palace."  
Hotohori was by now very flattered, and he readily agreed to show the sweet (and very truthful!) girl to where Mitsukake was. She followed him, keeping her eyes respectfully to the floor.   
"You look rather familiar, young Miss. What's your name?"  
"Please, Heika, they call me Kin-yuki."  
"Kin-yuki. That's a very pretty name, lass."  
"Arigatou, Heika!!"  
"Ah, here is where Mitsukake spend most of his time. The indoor herb gardens."  
//What a romantic setting// Amiboshi thought sourly, self-consciously tugging at his sash.   
Mitsukake looked up as they entered.   
"Konninichiwa, Heika."  
"Konninichiwa, Mitsukake, we have brought you a visitor. This is Kin-yuki."  
"Hello, Kin-yuki-san."  
//Lalalala. Boring. Get out of here, Heika, so that I can actually do this without being too embarrassed//  
As though he heard Amiboshi's silent request, Hotohori exited the room.  
"Mitsukake-san," the twin-in-drag breathed, wordlessly praying that he could get this over and done with. "Mitsukake-san, I've always wanted to meet you!"  
"Me?" the healer asked in surprise.  
"Yes, you! You're so awesome! Of all the Suzaku seishi, you're the one who had to give up your love to protect Suzaku no Miko, and you heal! You give life to things! Do you know how wonderful that is? And that you love animals - I mean, you're the best seishi ever!" he gushed sincerely.  
Mitsukake looked like he'd faint.  
"Mitsukake-san, I really like you!"   
"Really? I can't believe it!"  
"So I really wanted to meet you while I was in the capital."  
  
Suboshi slipped back into the Suzaku no Miko's room again, to see how she was doing. Fading fast, it was obvious. He smiled. All the Seiryuu would be arriving soon, to watch, and he was going to have a fortune, and then he could buy a little house in the country, and he and Yui could get married, and live there together, and...  
He sighed blissfully as he imagined it.   
Suddenly a magical presence filled the room - Suzaku.  
*Amiboshi* it said *You must save the Suzaku no Miko*  
"WHAT?" he gasped, "You've got me and aniki mixed up! I hate Suzaku no Miko."  
*Amiboshi* The creature looked at him kindly. *It's all right; you don't have to hide any longer. But you must give the Suzaku no Miko your chi. You must let her live*  
"You aren't getting it. I don't want to save Suzaku no Miko. At all."  
Suzaku sighed. Obviously he had the wrong twin. Still, there was a chance... *But you don't understand. If the Suzaku no Miko dies, Seiryuu no Miko will be devastated. Deep inside, they are still best friends. You must save her to make your Miko happy*  
"Oh, well, in that case!"  
Suboshi stripped off his shirt and lay down next to Miaka. "I can't BELIEVE I'm doing this." He started to breath his life force into her mouth. "This is humiliating, you pink chicken!!"   
Miaka suddenly felt the force surge through her, and awoke.   
"Kai-Ka!"  
"Not on your life!" Suboshi sprang up like the bed was made of hot coals, and started redressing, casting murderous looks at Miaka and Suzaku.  
"S-Suboshi??"  
"Yeah, wanna make something of it?" Suboshi tied his sash and dusted off his hands, looking disgusted. "Can't...believe...I actually...saved...HER...LIFE!!"  
*Well, you did. Good job. Seiryuu no Miko will be pleased*  
"Are you sure, pinky?"  
*YES I'M SURE!!!! No wonder my brother hates his seishi*  
"He hates us, huh? That must explain our lousy lives."  
Suzaku groaned and filtered out of the room.   
Miaka stared at Suboshi. Suboshi stared at Miaka. Suddenly, without warning...  
"Suboshi! What are you doing?"  
"Staring at Miaka."  
"Why?"   
"The authoress feels the need."  
"Oh, okay."  
"Wait! You're! Yui-sama!!" Suboshi collapsed at her feet.  
Yui blinked. "Hello to you too, Suboshi."  
"I swear I only did it because Suzaku said it would make you happy!! I really love you!! It wasn't my fault!! It was chivalry!! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!!"  
"What happened?"  
"He saved my life," Miaka said, still staring.  
"Oh good for him!! I'm glad!" Yui hugged Miaka.  
"But...Yui-chan... Don't you hate me? Why are you here?"  
"Oh, I forgot, I'm 'Yui-from-further-along-in-the-plot'. This is 'Suboshi-from-further-along-in-the-plot'. And further along in the plot, we aren't enemies anymore."  
"What about Suboshi?"  
"Well, he should be dead by that time."  
Suboshi fell down in a dead faint.   
"Uh-oh. The stress has been too much!! Get him to a doctor!"   
"This is 'Mitsukake-from-further-along-in-the-plot'."  
"I see..." 


	2. Poor, Poor Amiboshi

Meanwhile, Hotohori was thinking. She was such a pretty girl. So polite, and so nice... Why did he suddenly feel strange when he thought about her?   
Just then, Nuriko popped into the room. "Hotohori-sama!! Haven't seen you in a while!!"  
"Hi, Nuriko," Hotohori said dreamily, not quite listening  
"Hey, Heika, are you okay?"  
"Huh? What? Oh, I'm fine."  
"Heikaaaaa. Just tell me what is wrong!"  
"Nuriko, you have to meet her! She's just so beautiful, and sweet, and -"  
"WHAT??!! Another girl has captured your heart? I must put an end to this competition! Where is she, Heika?"  
"In the herb gardens..." Hotohori sighed, not really paying attention.  
Nuriko strode away purposefully, leaving the emperor to his daydreams.   
When Nuriko arrived at the indoor herb gardens (What a romantic setting!) he was utterly surprised to see Mitsukake and a young girl talking animatedly.   
"Whoa. Heika's not the only one she's hooked." He punched his fist into his other palm. "And she's going down!"  
The girl turned and saw him. He was shocked with how familiar she seemed.   
"Nuriko-chan!! Konninichiwa!" she waved excitedly.  
"How do you know Nuriko?" Mitsukake questioned.   
She blushed. "Well, I've...um...lucky guess! So that really is Nuriko? Wow!"  
Mitsukake had a feeling she was not telling him everything, but he let it drop. "Yeah, that's 'him'." He grinned.  
"Hi, Mits, who's this?"  
"This is Kin-yuki-san. She *BLUSH* wanted to meet me."  
"QUIT IT ALREADY WITH THE BLUSHING!!!" Nuriko whacked him with a frying pan. Then he stopped. As he watched Kin-yuki laugh, a strange feeling came over him.  
  
Suboshi sighed. He needed a new moneymaking scheme so he could afford his little house in the country and marry Yui-sama and live there with her. He needed cash!!   
He froze.  
//I'm thinking like Tamahome!!!! NOOOO!!!!! Wait. Tamahome doesn't think about Yui! There, that's it. Now, how can I get some money? Hm...//  
Suboshi sprang suddenly to his feet (alliteration!!). "I know!! I need to talk to Seiryuu. Or Suzaku. Or any of them. Lessee, how do I get to heaven? Besides with a stupid hole in my chest... Darn. Talk about impossible feats. How am I ever gonna be able to buy a little house in the country and marry Yui-sama and live there with her?"  
Then Taiitsukun entered the scene. "Suboshi, you want to get to heaven?"  
"Yep, that's about right."  
Tamahome leapt up behind Taiitsukun. "The easiest way to get to heaven is to call her 'Sunkake Baba'."   
*WHAM*   
"Yeah, I can see that. Taiitsukun, I need to get money badly! So that I can buy a little house in the country and marry Yui-sama and live there with her!"   
"I _know_!! You've said that about a zillion times. Anyway, I guess I can take you to heaven for a while..."  
"ARIGATOU TAIITSUKUN-SAMA!!!!" Suboshi fell to his knees at her feet and began kissing the hem of her dress. She smacked him.  
"However, you must pass a test."  
"Oh no."  
"You must first prove to me that Yui loves you as you love her."  
Suboshi grimaced. So first he had to prove Yui-sama's love for him? Blast. "Hai, Taiitsukun, I will." And so he set off to find Yui. (So that he could prove her love, buy his little house in the country, marry her, and live there with her. ^_^)  
  
Nuriko stared at Kin-yuki. She stared back  
//Uh-ohhhh. Wasn't the deal that I just get MITSUKAKE to fall in love with me? Not all the Suzaku seishi! Sometimes I could just kill that little brother of mine//  
"Heika!" Mitsukake gasped. Kin-yuki spun around. Yup, there was the emperor. And, oh sweet Suzaku, his expression. She moaned aloud.   
"Are you all right?"  
"Would you like to lie down?"  
"Could you use some of my healing?"  
"Please, take it easy, Miss!"  
"You don't want to over-exert yourself!"  
"Sit down over here!"  
"I - I'll be all right. But maybe I could spend the night here? I really feel I need to rest a bit."  
"All right!"  
"Yes, we're sure we have a spare room."  
"Then you'd also be right there if you needed anything."  
"The town can be dangerous, especially for a young girl traveling alone."  
"You'd better stay, definitely."  
"Please, allow us to show you your room."  
"Arigatou, Heika." She followed the emperor out of the room. The second she was gone, Mitsukake and Nuriko stared at each other, and quickly went back to what they had been doing previously.  
Hotohori gave her one of the best rooms in the palace. She declined his offer of personal servants, and once she was alone, fell onto the bed wearily.   
"Shun-chan, I cannot BELIEVE I was talked into this."  
Just then, the door flew open as someone barged in.  
  
"Yui-sama! Yui-sama!" Suboshi called, searching all over Kuto for her.  
Finally he bumped into the pretty blonde Miko, having a cup of tea in a four-star restaurant with Miaka.   
"Yui-sama!"  
"Suboshi! What are you doing here?"  
"I was...l-looking for you, Yui-sama..."  
"What for?"  
Suboshi started fishing in his pocket for the ring he had carried since his father gave it to him when he was very young, telling him in turn to give it only to the one he truly loved. "I know I'm just one of your seishi, and you're the Miko, but I really, really..." //Where is it? I can't fiiind it. Aha! Got it// "...like you, and I want you to have this!" He handed her the ring quickly, and then looked at the floor, blushing.   
"Suboshi! It's so pretty! Are you sure you want to give this to me?"  
Suboshi nodded furiously, eyes still glued to the carpet. "Yes, I would really like it if you had it." He looked up. "Would you...would you wear it please?"   
Yui smiled prettily at him, and slid the thin golden band shaped like a dragon with two sapphire eyes onto her finger.   
Miaka took hold of her arm and pulled it across to her. "Wow, Yui, this looks really expensive!! Really, really expensive! Maybe this is *whispering* a token of love!"  
"Shut up, you," Yui laughed.  
Suboshi looked like he was going to cry. "It is," he mouthed.  
"What'd you say, Suboshi?"  
"N-nothing!" he turned and fled.  
"What's up with him?" Miaka questioned.  
"I dunno, maybe your appetite is intimidating."  
"Very funny. Yui-chan, he LIKES you. He said so. He really REALLY likes you."  
"And I like him, but I'm not gonna play easy to get."  
"You baka! He's too shy!"  
"Be that as it may. Anyway, _whose_ name rhymes with 'baka'?"  
"I don't know," Miaka said innocently, as both girls began to laugh.  
  
"What? This room's never been occupied before!" a male voice insisted, staring at her.  
"Heika put me up for the night. I'm from out of town," she answered from where she was curled into a ball at the foot of the bed, poking at her lipsticked mouth with a fingernail, and deciding she'd never be talked into such a thing ever again.   
She swore this three times more when she saw who it was. "Hi."  
"Who're ya?"   
"Yume Kin-yuki."  
"Kinda an odd name, huh?"  
"What's yours?" she asked, although she already knew the answer.  
"I'm Tasuki!"  
"Well, mine's no odder then, considering yours means 'the sash used for tying back kimono sleeves'."  
"Look, ya impudent little _girl_!"   
"Huh," she snorted, and began to paint her nails silver, glaring at him.  
"If I had my tessen!"  
"You don't?"  
"No," he pouted, "That stupid Tama-boy took it, and won't give it back."  
"Aw, poor Tasuki," she said unsympathetically.   
"Damn straight."  
"Watch your mouth around a lady."  
"What lady?"  
"I can see we'll get along splendidly." She stood, brushed the creases out of her kimono. Tasuki hadn't really seen her before, and now he was struck with the familiarity of her features.  
"Ya look like someone I've seen before."  
"Really?" she said, sounding almost alarmed.  
"Yeah. Oh well, can't remember."  
"Good," she said under her breath, and turned straight toward him. "By the way, if you start feeling attracted to me too - "  
"What?" Tasuki said, not listening, but instead looking at that _beautiful_ face, that lovely figure, (what figure?) and those eyes!  
"I give up!" She pushed him out the door, and locked it.  
  
"Taiitsukun!! She's wearing my ring!! Does that count?"  
"No, not really. I have to hear her say she loves you."  
"Sunkake Baba," he muttered.  
"WHAT did you say????"   
"Nothing at all."  
"Be Tamahome-like! Go out and get her!! C'mon, that stupid Tama-boy has more courage than you!!"  
"It just so happens that I am SHY around people I love!"  
"Well, stop being shy! Go assert yourself! Make her understand you love her! Serenade outside her window or something!"  
"Leave me alone. I need to think."  
Taiitsukun grumpily de-materialized.  
Suboshi sat down on a rock. "What am I supposed to do? I really need to ask aniki, but of course he's away in Konan on that blackmail trip. Oh well, it's going to be worth it. Now, how do I tell Yui-sama I love her...?"   
He went to seek out Soi.  
"Soi, how do you tell someone you love them?"  
"Word-wise or action-wise?"  
"Word!" Suboshi said quickly.  
"Well, since you're going after a girl, and not Nakago-sama - " Suboshi made a horrified face " - you'll maybe want some flowers. Girls like flowers. And then you just have to make it as melodramatic as possible. Girls love soap-opera stuff."  
"Are you sure?" Suboshi was scribbling it all down on his wrist.   
"Yes, of course. Good luck."  
"You too!!"  
Suboshi ran off to buy some flowers.  
  
Amiboshi stared at his wrist.   
"Flowers...melodrama...? What is my otouto DOING?"  
He quickly wrote, "Otouto, what's up?"  
"What kind of flowers does Yui-sama like?"  
"Lilies? Roses? I don't know."  
"Darn you."  
Suboshi stopped writing, and Amiboshi eased his kimono over his head. Still in the under-slip, he went to the closet to see what his other choices were.   
"Red...red...red...red...you know, the Suzakus really need some imagination."  
He sighed, and put a robe on, then went to seek out help for the red problem.   
It wasn't long before he bumped into Chiriko.  
"Salutations. What is your moniker?"  
Amiboshi blinked. "Um... Yume Kin-yuki, sir." He bowed.  
"Oh, don't bother with formalities! I'm Chiriko. Are you in need of service?"  
"Well, actually, I'm looking for a change of clothes. My wardrobe seems to consist mainly of...red."  
"It consists only of red," Chiriko said mildly, "But I can find you some other clothing, in a different colour, if you wish."  
"Yes, I do rather."  
"All right, come with me."  
Chiriko led him through the palace, and at last stopped outside a huge room. When he opened the door, Amiboshi saw that it was a gigantic closet, filled with hundreds of outfits.   
Chiriko sidled among racks of clothing, and finally pulled out a light blue kimono with darker blue stars all over it, and a silver obi to match.   
"Does this appear well to you?"  
"Yes, it's very nice, Chiriko-san. Arigatou gozaimasu."  
"You're very welcome. This room has thousands of garments. I believe that it belongs to the royal harem, but anyone can enter and borrow an outfit."  
Amiboshi nodded, murmured another thank you, and then fled back to his room to change.  
Chiriko stared after "her", a strange expression growing on his face. He put a hand to his cheek, as though in surprise, and whispered, "Is this love?" 


	3. Ami's Popular With the Guys!

Suboshi cornered Miaka in a side street when at last he found her, and pinned her against a wall, then muttered dangerously, "What kind of flowers does Yui-sama like?"  
"Um...Suboshi, let go of me."  
Suboshi sprang away from her, then paused, holding her at arm's length. "What kind of flowers does Yui-sama like?"  
"White roses with Spanish moss and gardenias," Miaka recited dutifully, then waited as Suboshi scrawled it on his arm. After he had done so, she raced away.  
Suboshi, meanwhile, raced back to the flower shop, where the stunned attendant was still waiting.   
"I'd like a bouquet of - " he looked to his arm " -white roses with Spanish moss and gardenias."  
"All right sir," said the rather taken aback attendant, then wrapped up a bundle of flowers and gave it to him.  
"Wow! They're so pretty! No wonder they're Yui-sama's favorite!"   
The attendant smiled.  
Suboshi sighed, then took 10 of his 27 yen and gave it to her.   
After that, he set out to find his Yui-sama. And he did find her.  
However, for Suboshi, there will always be difficulties.  
She was being attacked by that same stupid group of thugs. Suboshi leapt into the fray, gallantly swinging ryuuseisui above his head. "Yui-samaaaaa!!!!!"  
"Suboshi!!!!"   
Ryuuseisui began whirling all around and quickly dismembering the evil dudes. Suboshi shielded Yui's eyes from the carnage in his embrace. The author had a heart attack from being too sappy.   
When ryuuseisui had finished its job, it settled back into Suboshi's hands, and he gently led Yui away from the now very bloody back street.   
"Yui-sama, it's all right now. You can look."  
She lifted her head, and smiled as Suboshi presented her the flowers, which had managed to survive this ordeal, while somehow retaining their perfectly white colour.   
"Suboshi, I love you!"  
  
Chichiri nearly collided with the young girl who emerged from one of the better but more disused palace rooms.  
"Oh, excuse me no da!"  
"That's all right, it's my fault."  
"Who are you no da?"  
"Yume Kin-yuki," she said, for about the fourth time that day.  
"Chichiri no da!" He put out a hand.   
She shook it.   
//We are simply standing here staring at each other...HAND IN HAND! Ahh// She dropped his hand. Chichiri smiled.   
"Sorry no da, guess I just lost track."  
"Da..." she agreed distractedly.   
Chichiri laughed. The masked monk felt rather strange, and he wanted to go fishing to sort out his feelings. He politely took his leave of the young girl.   
She realized that Chichiri's course of action was a good one. Really. Probably fishing did help a troubled mind. Chichiri had a lot of faith in it, and he was generally right. She tied her kimono up out of her way, and borrowed a fishing pole from the gardener.  
Setting up her little can of boiled corn under a tree near Chichiri's big rock, she cast her line and began to fish.   
She got a bite suddenly, and in surprise yanked hard on the line, and considering the fish was pretty small, went flying backward. Before she hit stone, she felt herself caught in strong arms. As Chichiri helped her to her feet, she thought, //Oh, not again//  
"Arigatou, Chichiri-san."  
"You need to be careful no da! You could have been badly hurt no da. Watch yourself, okay no da?"  
"H-hai."  
"Oh...Kin-yuki no da?"  
"Hai?"  
"I'd like you to have this no da." He held out a small ornate comb. She took it, and placed it in her hair. She smiled at him, a little sadly. He wondered what she was thinking  
//The gods hate me//  
  
"You-you do?"  
"Of course! You've saved me so many times, and I just - I can't help it. I love you."  
Suboshi leapt into the air, both hands extended in a peace sign, yahoo-ing at the top of his lungs: "YES!! YOU HEAR THAT, SUNKAKE BABA????? SHE LOVES ME!!! TAKE THAT!!!"  
"Suboshi...are you okay?" Yui was having second doubts, fired by the fact that she appeared to have confessed her love to a lunatic.  
"I'm fine!! I've never been better!" He took her hands and began to dance her around. "Oh, Yui-sama, I've waited so long to hear you say that!! AND NOW, SUNKAKE BABA HAS TO LET US GET MARRIED!!! If you will of course!"  
"Yes, yes I will, but what are you talking about?"  
Suboshi calmed down. "Yui-sama, all this time, I've been trying to get you to say you loved me so that Sunkake Baba would take me to see the gods so I could get the money to buy a little house in the country, marry you, and live there with you!!"  
"Oh, Suboshi, how romantic!"  
"Just WHO are you calling Sunkake Baba?"  
"Soi," Suboshi said swiftly (alliteration!).  
"Uh-huuuuh. You know, I don't think you need that little house in the country very much."  
"Oh, Taiitsukun, I've done my best, Yui-sama said she loved me, what more do you want?"  
"Respect."  
"I can handle that!"  
"Fine, fine, come with me. Yui, you come too."  
"Yes, Sunka - Taiitsukun."  
The old hag glared. Then she began to dismember the author.  
  
Tamahome was annoyed. He couldn't find any of the guys! This, of course, was mainly because Hotohori was in his throne room swooning over Kin-yuki, Mitsukake and Nuriko were in the herb gardens pretending not to see each other, Tasuki was sitting outside Kin-yuki's door, Chiriko was trying to find an algebraic equation for love, and Chichiri was calculating how many fish he'd have to catch and sell to get out of debt for the comb.  
The martial (and marital) artist wandered around, when suddenly he bumped into a young girl of the palace.   
"W-who are you?"  
Is everyone expecting to hear Amiboshi tell Tamahome he's Yume Kin-yuki? Are you? Huh? HUH?! Well, you are really, really, incredibly...  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
RIGHT!!!!!  
"Yume Kin-yuki, sir."  
//Wow, she's so pretty...// "I'm dumping Miaka"  
"If you do, you're dead meat."  
"I said that OUT LOUD?"  
"You got it, and let me tell you, if one more blasted Suzaku seishi says he's in love with me, I'm...I'm... I'm going to take drastic measures!!!"  
"I'm not in love!" Tamahome announced.  
"No?" The girl looked thoroughly relieved.  
"I'm infatuated!!"  
"I hate men with dictionaries."  
"Why? If I have such a wide vocabulary, then I'm obviously wealthy and prestigious!"   
//Sometimes I really understand why Shun wants to kill him//  
"Look, you've already got a girlfriend. You can't go and break her heart!!"  
"Oh yes I can!"  
"Gah!! WILL YOU MEN LEAVE ME ALONNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!???????"  
She fled.  
  
Suboshi and Yui floated on a cute purple cloud to the heavens of Shi Jin Ten Chi Sho. There, the four gods awaited.   
*Seiryuu Celestial Warrior Suboshi, why do you desire to see us?*  
"Pinky here already knows."  
"Suboshi, you'll get nowhere that way."  
"Sorry, Yui-sama."  
*Suboshi, we have heard from our brother Suzaku that you wish to wed the Seiryuu no Miko, Lady Yui*  
"Did somebody dub you, or what? But yes, that's correct."  
*Yes, in fact, we were cursed with dub. But that is another matter. So you want money?*  
"Yeah, to buy a house in the country so I can marry Yui-sama and live there with her."  
Byakko leaned back in a recliner and said professionally *So, you need money, right, pal? Well, you've come to the right place*  
Suzaku poked his brother *You need to drop that 'private eye attitude'. Really. It's awful*  
*Shut your mouth, chicken boy. Well, Suboshi, you'll definitely get money from us. We're the richest people in the universe*  
*Richest gods, Byakko*  
*Gods then. Anyway, it'll be easy to get you the money. But there is one condition...*  
"Oh, not another ****in' test!"  
*No, nothing like that. You must invite us to the wedding*  
*And allow lizard boy to make the arrangements*  
"I know we're going to regret this, but...sure!"  
  
All the Suzaku seishi met in the great hall for lunch. They were also all talking excitedly.  
"I met the GREATIST girl today!"  
"Really? Isn't Nuriko jealous?"  
"Nope! I also met a great girl, and decided to give up the whole gay thing."  
"Whaddaya know."  
"Well, I met a really lovely girl as well no da! We went fishing together no da."  
"Yeah? Well, I'm glad you made a hit."  
"I also met a very wonderful girl. I helped her dress this morning."  
"Who volunteers to tell Chiriko what he just implied?"  
"Not me no da!!"  
"Well, with all you guys meetin' women and stuff, it's amazing ya missed the girl I met! Now there's what I call pretty!"  
"Wow, Tasuki falling for a girl? That's what's amazing!"  
"Nononono!! You want amazing? Mitsukake's head over heals too!"  
"Really? Who'da thought he had it in him?"  
"Well, I also met this girl, and I must say, Miaka is nothing compared to her."  
"YOU JILTED MIAKA???"  
"That's not the way I'd put it."  
It, of course, didn't take them long to discover they all liked the same girl.  
"Well, her name was Kin-yuki."  
"That's odd. So's my girl's."  
"And mine."  
"Mine too no da!"  
"My acquaintance also went by that name."  
"The lady we met, too was called Kin-yuki."  
"So was the girl I made it with."  
"Yeah right you made it."  
Suboshi's video taper was having a field day with all this.   
Then came the final blow.  
Kin-yuki walked past the lunching room, and heard all the seishi arguing. Finally, he gave up with the whole annoying, troublesome thing. He rushed into the room, and climbed up on the table.  
"None of you love me, and none of you are leaving anyone else!"  
"We do too love you!"  
"I sincerely doubt you will, when you see..."  
She reached up to the neck of her kimono, and tore it open to her waist.  
"Nuriko, you never told me you had a little brother." 


	4. The Touching Conclusion

The Touching Conclusion  
  
"This is certainly a strange wedding!" Suboshi laughed.  
Yui was wearing a long wedding gown with all sorts of neat embroidery. The train went out behind her seven feet. The thing was, every inch was blue. A pale Seiryuu blue. So was Suboshi's tuxedo. So was everything. The entire church was decorated with blue. The minister (specifically, Miboshi) was wearing blue. The congregation found that as soon as they entered the building, their clothes turned blue.  
Yui buried her face in her hands. "Why did we let a blue lizard do the decorating?" came her muffled question.  
"Genbu did the catering."  
"What colour is our wedding cake?"  
"Green, and please stop crying Yui-sama."  
She grinned. "Just kidding around. I'm not really that upset. We're certainly breaking traditions though."  
"Suzaku is in charge of the ceremony."  
"Oh?"  
"And Byakko did the flowers."  
"Well, they're nice. White roses and gardenias. My favorites."  
"You have excellent taste."  
"Why thank you, Suboshi."  
"Of course, Yui-sama. Anyway, we'll have to wait until Miboshi reads the service to see what Suzaku has done."  
"All right." Yui moved forward, with six Nyan-nyans holding her blue train, and placed the blue veil over her hair. "Let's find out."  
"Yui-sama, you're great!"  
"Wait till you've been married for a year," Miboshi said quietly. "Then you may think differently." Suboshi tossed ryuuseisui carelessly at him.   
"Hey! No killing the priest!!"  
"Fine, fine."  
  
Amiboshi sighed. He could just imagine what this would look like to anyone who passed: a boy in a kimono stripped to his waist, standing on Suzaku Seven's lunch table. At this thought, he sat down, carefully, so as not to sit in the teriyaki platter.  
"So you see. I'm not really a girl."  
Tamahome's eyes began to water. "COMFORT!!!!! I need COMFORT!!!!!"  
"Go away." Nuriko shoved him away. "It's your fault for jilting Miaka!"  
"I didn't JILT Miaka!!"  
"What would you call it then? Ditching her? Breaking up a flowering relationship? Face it, Tama-boy, you jilted her."  
Tasuki glared. "How dare ya trick us?! I can't believe it! Chichiri, why didn't ya figure it out?"  
"Gomen Tasuki no da!! I don't think you wanted to find out though no da."  
"Wait…" Tasuki suddenly started. But he was interrupted by Nuriko, who was pleased to meet (he thought) a fellow cross-dresser  
"So I AM still gay!" he laughed. "Well, kiddo, you're a bit too young for me, aren't you?" He ruffled Amiboshi's hair affectionately. "Wow! Cross-dressing is convincing, and I'm not the only one who practices it. Hey, I'm glad to meet a fellow practitioner!! Sorry we had to break your act. We won't tell, you know."   
"Thanks. My brother is going to die laughing about this. I never expected anyone to really fall for me," Amiboshi said, not bothering to tell Nuriko he didn't practice cross-dressing.  
"Now that that's all done with, tell me… What type of lipstick do you use? Where do you buy your clothes? Is it easy for you to hide it from other women? C'mon, tell all! It's not often I meet another one of my kind!"  
"Nuriko, cut it out," Tasuki muttered.  
"Yeah, all you can think of is how cool this is, what about us? We've all just lost the girl we love."  
"Logically not. Since "she" never was a girl!"  
"Evil logic."  
"Anyway, I'm sorry, kiddo, that we upset you so much. See," he whispered conspiratorially, "All these men are idiots. All men are, but these men are more idiotic than most."  
"But aren't you?"  
"I have the body of a man, but the soul of a woman!!"  
"Okay…"  
"I must apologize as well. My heart belongs to Tama-neko, and no one else."  
"Mitsukake, get a grip," Nuriko said.  
"And we apologize too. We will always *sniffle* fall in love with girls we can't have, we think."   
"Aw, Heika, I loves you!! You're my first and only crush!!!" he reassured the monarch as he huggled him  
Chiriko looked depressed. His first ever love was a man. He wondered aloud if there was a scientific explanation for this. And if there was any way to make a man into a woman.   
"Chiriko, don't you dare start experimenting on me!! Oh, Chichiri, I should give you back your comb." Amiboshi reached to take it out of his hair, but the monk stayed his hand.   
"No, no, you keep it no da! I want it that way to remind me that I'm a baka no da! As a monk, I'm supposed to observe celibacy no da," he laughed.  
Meanwhile, Tasuki was doing some thinking. He knew his once-crush had seemed familiar. Finally he had it.  
"Yer Amiboshi!!"  
Amiboshi turned to him. "Yeah, that's right."  
"Well, yer a Seiryuu seishi!!"  
"No, I'm not. Tamahome-kun conducted a ceremony that made me the eighth Suzaku no seishi."  
"He did?" Tasuki looked surprised  
"I did?" Tamahome looked more surprised  
"Back in second season episode 39, before the OVA and the omake. You Said that I Was One Of You Guys. And with that sentence, every single Amiboshi fangirl who had been in denial about me being on the Seiryuu side automatically theorized that this made me a Suzaku seishi, and one of the good guys."   
"Oh." Tamahome blinked  
"Yeah. So I'm on your side."  
"Oh, okay. Hi, Amiboshi, Suzaku no seishi."  
"Hi to you too, Tasuki, Suzaku no seishi."  
"You guys are acting like idiots." Nuriko groaned  
"Sure we are, got a problem with it?"  
"No, no...Only, Ami, mind coming with me now? We have to have that discussion about our cross-dressing styles now, okay?" Nuriko did not wait for an answer but dragged him out of the room.  
  
They soon found out how Suzaku had warped their wedding  
"Hongo Yui, do you take this chicken to be your lawful wedded husband?"  
"WHAT? Me? A chicken? How dare you, pinky??"  
"He dare. Suboshi, just calm down, once this is over we'll be married, and we can go settle down in that little house in the country that you've got now."  
"Okay, Yui-sama."  
"Remind me again how much they're paying you to marry yo-yo boy?" Miboshi asked. Suboshi twirled ryuuseisui threateningly at him. "Well I want to know!! What's the harm in me asking her?" Miboshi demanded.   
"Don't kill the priest, don't kill the priest!!!!" Yui held him back. "If you kill the priest we can't get married!!"  
"All right, I won't hurt him until after the service."  
"I wish your brother could have done the music," Yui said to distract him.  
"Yeah, but he's in Konan."  
"No, actually, I'm not."  
Suboshi whipped around to find Amiboshi looking at him from the doorway to the church. He was wearing a blue kimono that was undone down the front, and he didn't look particularly thrilled.   
"A-aniki!"  
"Shun-chan, I - I," he began to fake sob, "I have been HUMILIATED!!!!!!! How could you do that to me?"  
"So - Sorry, aniki. I take it things worked out then."  
"Yes. But not just Mitsukake!! Every single censored Suzaku seishi!!!"  
"Including Tama-boy?"  
"Including Tama-boy."  
"Woo-hoo!! Did my cameraman come with you? I hope he captured the moment!!"  
"So, you WERE taping me for blackmail!!!!"  
"Oh no."  
"Anyway, I've been emotionally traumatized. And you're the one who's gonna pay for the therapy! That darned cross-dresser made me discuss fashion with him!!"  
"Weren't you glad to meet a fellow cross-dresser then?" Suboshi asked innocently.   
Amiboshi began to get a dangerous look on his face.  
Yui quickly whispered something in Suboshi's ear.  
"Yeah, great idea, Yui-sama!!" he turned to Amiboshi, "Aniki, we'd really love it if you'd play the music for the wedding!! Do you think you could? Please? You're such a good player! (Especially with the Suzaku men)"  
"Ahem."  
"I mean, such a good flutist!"  
"Well…if you really want me too."  
"Of course I do!! And the videos will be a family heirloom!! We'll pass them down for comic relief throughout the course of history."  
"Shuuuun!!!"  
"Don't worry! But I can watch them with Yui-sama after the wedding?"  
"Sure, sure."  
"If only this was a double wedding."  
"It could be."  
"Hmmmm…. Is that legal?"  
"Probably."  
"All right then!! But first, you guys get married!!"  
So as Amiboshi began to play Wedding March on the flute, Suboshi and Yui continued the service.   
"Do you take this chicken to be your lawful wedded husband?"  
"You have no idea how irritating this is, but I do."  
"Do you take this pullet to be your lawful wedded wife?"  
"You find it irritating? I don't think you're poultry Yui-sama, trust me! But I do."  
"You may now kiss the bride."  
Amiboshi raised his flute to his lips.   
Suboshi waved at his brother as he kissed Yui. Amiboshi gave him a little wave too, as he gently kissed the flute. Suboshi winked.  
"Congratulations on your wedding!"  
"You too, Shun."  
  
Meanwhile, seven seishi of Suzaku sat around dismally, and missed their crush.  
Except Tama-boy. He and Miaka got back together.  
And Chichiri. He returned to his fishing with no regrets  
And of course Chiriko became too wrapped up in his studies to worry about it.  
And Tasuki went back to his first and greatest love: The tessen  
And Mitsukake sank into his happy world of Tama-neko and herbal study.  
And Nuriko and Hotohori started dating.  
Okay, so I lied. None of the Suzaku seishi missed Kin-yuki. Oh well. However, they did create a happy ending, so give them a big round of applause.   
And Yui and Suboshi lived very happily in their little house in the country. And they had lots of blonde, yoyo-obsessed children  
Amiboshi and his flute divorced after a couple of months (she wasn't very receptive), but they were able to continue on as friends, even when Ami decided to get a girlfriend.  
And the gods got un-dubbed. Eventually.   
But everyone always called Taiitsukun Sunkake Baba, because she is one!!!  
And she destroyed the author, because she was bored one weekend.  
I am the author's cat, and I will take the liberty of saying  
  
The End!!!  
  
P.S. The author said ask people to r+r 


End file.
